Wednesday, May 11, 2011

They are My "More"

There are many ways to look at it. There is hope and excitement and there is fear and sadness, both coexisting in one transitional experience. In any moment of change there is always a future and a past, both hold meaning and both are accompanied by emotions.

For me the transition from Candidacy to Novitiate is just this, a dualistic experience filled with emotion. When I isolate the thought of moving to Canticle House (the novitiate) I am excited, hopeful, and genuinely joyful. But when I solely focus on moving away from Corpus Christi my eyes swell with tears, my heart breaks, and I find myself slip into sadness.

My life is so good right now, and I'm exactly where I believe God is calling me to be, but as I struggle through the pain of preparing for the next few transitions I feel very alone. Despite the excitement I have for moving forward in the process of formation I cannot stop crying myself to sleep during the nights that I reflect back over this past year. There has been so much to cherish and so much that I will take with me as I confidently move on.

St. Louis, Missouri that's stop number two on this transition train, the TOR Common Novitiate. Again, isolating the idea of St. Louis is exciting, but in realizing that moving there means leaving here the struggle emerges. This afternoon in spiritual direction I shared that moving to St. Louis feels overwhelming, not because of fear of moving far away or the challenge of being somewhere new, but because it means leaving everything and everyone who has become so dear to me this year.

When I moved to Dayton, Ohio in 2006 I was extremely joy-filled with the transition. I was trying to figure out what was so different about this move to St. Louis. The answer lies in discovering where the "more" is. Ohio had so much more to offer than staying in Pennsylvania. But now I find myself realizing that the "more" is right here. I don't mean Corpus Christi, but the Sisters of Saint Francis of Philadelphia, they are my "more."

While I am certain that St. Louis holds things for me that are beyond my understanding as I sit here writing this evening, I cannot help but know in my heart that where I really want to be is here. And I suppose that's a good thing. St. Louis will be for nine months, the Sisters of Saint Francis of Philadelphia will be for life.

In Spanish the word for love is "amor" pronounced "a-more." I can't help but think that where I find my love is in the more! I recently wrote a song entitled "A Little More." I speak of the many wonderful and amazing things I've seen and felt in my life but I close with singing, "so far I've seen a little, and I have felt a little, and now I want a little more." So tonight, amidst the tear filled prayers I speak to God I pray: I want a little more!

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