Sunday, November 7, 2010

Midnight Musings

The house is quiet. Everyone sleeping soundly, not even the usual city sirens can be heard, only the occasional clunk of the radiator signaling the promise of warmth. I am tucked into bed and while I typically am sleeping at the point where one day becomes the next I am instead wide-eyed and if I had a tail it would be bushy. . .

There is no real explanation for this burst of alertness, in fact my weekend was exhausting from the festivities surrounding my sister's wedding. The sheer dancing alone should bring sleep upon my body. But alas, I lie awake, thoughts filtering through my brain a mile a minute with a certain certainty creeping into my being--as if something is assuring me of the "rightness" of this time in my life.

While I was away from the convent this weekend I felt a yearning to return, I was happy to be with my family and we had an amazing weekend together, but driving home I felt a comfort settle in my heart. I am on the other side of our first misunderstandings as a community and so thankful for the openness of all to be in conversation with each other and myself. But there was something about that moment around the dinner table that made me feel like I belong more so than I have thus far.

This afternoon I was helping two of the sisters with a project that has recently been consuming their time. I believe there are many reasons why God has brought me to Corpus Christi, but sitting around the table, working together, I felt my gifts and passions were appreciated and accepted in ways that gave me great confidence. I have felt appreciated from the first moment I joined the community here, but there was something unexplainably significant about today.

During my sister's wedding the priest read a letter that my sister wrote about her intentions of marrying her fiancee. She explained that what she most cherished about their relationship was that they "wanted" each other, they did not "need" each other. I think there is something very profound about this mentality. While I do believe we ALL "need" each other I do also believe that it is more important to be wanted, to belong.

And so to reach the point of my midnight musings . . . tonight I sit here with a deep feeling of being wanted, and isn't that what we all desire most in life? I feel fulfilled in my desire for being wanted (and while the sisters with whom I live could argue this, I sort of have a hunch they would agree!) And to be honest, I want them too!

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